I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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