if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
