Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
he's single and there are thong briefs.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
