my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
