Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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