if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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