A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
