Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
