1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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