What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Couch. On fire.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
