I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
