what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
