Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
