Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
