Dude my mom stole all your condoms
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
