I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
