I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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