Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
