Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
