i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
