Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
