Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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