You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
