She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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