I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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