I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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