I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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