Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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