I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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