This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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