4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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