Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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