I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
