I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
