Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
