Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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