actually, I'm a sock model
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
