everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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