I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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