Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
