I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
