he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Did you just see the Batmobile???
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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