He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
