i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
