your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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