My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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