I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
