Your dad touched me again.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
