He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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