Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
