my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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